Daria: Season #1

DARIA

SEASON #1: ESTEEMSTERS – During their first day at Lawndale High, Daria and Quinn are required to take psychological exams. Quinn does fine, but Daria, disgusted with having to take the exam, answers the questions in her typical smart-alec remarks. However, her remarks lead the teacher to think Daria has esteem problems and recommends she take a special class. Meanwhile, Quinn instantly fits right in with the popular kids, but Daria is outcasted until she meets Jane in her esteem class. On their first day at Lawndale High, Daria and Quinn have to take a mandatory psychological exam, where perky, popular Quinn passes with flying colors, while sarcastic loner Daria is forced to enroll in a self-esteem course, where she meets the equally sarcastic Jane. Meanwhile, Quinn goes to great lengths to prevent people from knowing she’s related to Daria, since she thinks that it will ruin her popularity. Daria and Quinn just moved to Lawndale from Highland (the land of Beavis and Butthead). It’s their first day of school and it becomes a typical day for Daria, she’s ignored by other students and singled out for humiliation by a psychotic history teacher. Even Quinn, her sister, shuns her after Quinn is adopted by the popular crowd and would later claim she’s an only child. Daria and Quinn are then subjected to a ridiculous psychological exam, which Daria blows off with smart-alec remarks. These remarks come back to haunt her, however, when Helen receives a call from the school: They’re concerned that Daria is exhibiting low self-esteem and want her to take a self-esteem class. After hearing this, Helen and Jake become concerned parents and Quinn worries about how this will hurt her reputation. Daria has no choice but to take the class which is taught by a touchy-feely English teacher. When Daria tries to make sense of Mr. O’Neill’s psychobabble, she’s advised by a fellow student to just “sit back and enjoy the nice man’s soothing voice”. Walking home after school, Daria sees that the student, Jane, is just like her in a way. She’s creative, sarcastic and weary of idiots and posers just like Daria. As days pass, Daria and Jane become better friends and together they hatch a plan to pass the exit test and get out of the class. Since Jane has failed the test deliberately six times and knows all of the answers by heart, this is no problem. However, their plan backfires. Mr. O’Neill is so impressed with their “rapid” progress that he wants to publicly congratulate them at the next school assembly. Daria and Jane agree to his request, but when the time comes for them to make a speech, they do things their way. Jane causes a scene by taking a “self-esteem relapse” and running off the stage, sobbing, while Daria launches into a cliché-ridden acceptance speech that pointedly thanks “her sister, Quinn.” Quinn is humiliated, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg, as Daria fulfills her wish of making her family suffer by guilt-tripping them into attending a U.F.O. convention.

EPISODE #2: THE INVITATION – Daria helps Brittany in art class and in return, Brittany invites Daria to her party. Daria is reluctant to go, but changes her mind when she realizes it will be a prime opportunity to embarrass Quinn. After Dara helps dimwitted cheerleader, Brittany, in art class, Brittany invites her to her party. Daria has no interest in going at first, but then realizes it is a good opportunity to embarrass Quinn, who is also attending. The episode opens with Quinn and Daria walking to school and Quinn telling Daria to quit following her. As they continue walking, Joey, Jeffy and Jamie approach the girls and they each offer to carry either Quinn’s books or pencil but, Jamie can’t come up with anything else to ask to carry. Quinn helps him out by digging in her pockets and finding a hair scrunchie. In art class, Daria and Brittany share a table. Daria is drawing effortlessly but Brittany is having a tough time and asks Daria for help. Because Daria helps Brittany, she gets invited to her party on Saturday night, but “just this once”. Jane and Daria decided to go so Jane can get in some good sketches and in order to make Quinn miserable. Quinn gets a ride to the party with the three J’s (Joey, Jeffy and Jamie), who have become Quinn’s biggest admirers and Daria and Jane get ride from Trent, Jane’s musician brother. Once they arrive at Brittany’s gated community, a security guard checks to see if they are on the guest list. Daria is and since Jane isn’t, she says her name is Tiffany, thinking their must be one Tiffany at the party. The guest lists five Tiffany’s. Jane picks the Tiffany Duke one but chooses one the guard made up. Daria covers for her and says she was hired to draw portraits and shows him Jane’s sketchbook. While the guard is distracted, Daria and Jane slip past the gate and into the party. At the party, Brittany is waited on hand and foot by the three J’s. She makes Joey crush ice for he drink makes Jeffy twist pretzels for her and Jamie bites s cracker into a square for her. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane get a tour of the house from Upchuck, who only got invited because he dissected Brittany’s frog for her. After the tour, Daria and Jane stand around and soon spot Quinn hiding behind a ceramic tiger. Daria approaches Quinn right as she tries to leave. Since Daria only came to the party to embarrass Quinn, she starts telling the three J’s embarrassing stories about Quinn and about pictures of Quinn in her chubby stage. Quinn pulls Daria away and bribes her to leave the party. Jane emerges from the laundry room after making out with a guy she just met and her and Daria decide to leave the party. As Daria and Quinn leave, the cops are called because of the noise and the three J’s begin to fight each other after Quinn says she wants to just be friend with them. Since the three J’s are fighting, Quinn can’t get a ride home and Daria refuses to call her parents to pick them up so Upchuck volunteers to drive them home.

✰ EPISODE #3: COLLEGE BORED – In their college prep class, Quinn and Daria get an assignment to visit the college of their choice. Seeing this as an opportunity to get the girls’ interested in their alma mater, Jake and Helen take them to Middleton College. But while there, things don’t go as planned when Quinn winds up “keg queen” at a frat party and Daria writes term papers for students for a small fee. Daria and Quinn get enrolled in a college prep course, where they are given the assignment of visiting the college of their choice. Their parents decide to take them to their alma mater, Middleton College. Things start to go wrong after Daria goes into business writing term papers for cash and Quinn gets elected “keg queen” at a frat party. During a visit with some friends, Helen and Jake become concerned about Daria and Quinn’s chances of getting into good colleges, so they insist that the girls take a college prep class. One of the requirements of this (rather lame) class is to visit a college and Jake and Helen naturally pick their alma mater, Middleton College. When they arrive, they’re greeted by a tour guide named Heather and they just barely have time to start the tour when Jake is distracted by a water balloon thrown from his old dorm window. Swept up in a wave of nostalgia, Jake takes Helen to visit his old hangout, leaving Daria and Quinn with the tour guide. The tour doesn’t last much longer, as Quinn decides to investigate the fraternity/sorority scene on her own. Daria and Heather then retreat to Heather’s dorm room, where Daria gets a much more realistic view of college life: Sitting around and watching television, working a stupid job, begging the parents for money and helping the college students with their term papers (for cash, of course). Meanwhile, Jake gets a little too into the college scene as he tries (with no success) to act cool and “hang” with the college guys, while Helen reminisces about college life… and tears off after the girls (Quinn, specifically) when she remembers how college guys acted around women. They find Quinn at a frat house, where she has been made “keg queen” and is busy wrapping the guys around her little finger. Eventually the whole family is tossed off the campus when security finds out that the two underage girls were wandering around the campus unsupervised (even though Daria had stayed with Heather the tour guide the whole time), Back at home, Quinn receives a letter of acceptance to Manatee College in Florida, which makes Helen and Jake ecstatic… until they read the fine print and discover that Manatee has no classes and costs $10,000 per semester. Furthermore, Daria decides to quit doing the college students’ term papers, as it was getting to be too much work (not to mention the tiny little detail about Helen not letting her keep the money). Daria decides that the whole college experience kind of sucks, but is heartened when Quinn dumps the instructor of the college prep class when she finds out what a “making-outing scholarship” is really all about.

✰ EPISODE #4: CAFÉ DISAFFECTO – Lawndale High launches a fundraiser to raise money for a student coffee house. Daria and Jane fail at selling candy bars and to make up for the points she missed, Daria has to perform at the grand opening of the café. However, her choice of material to perform doesn’t go over well, The school starts a fundraiser to build a student coffee house and after Daria and Jane fail at selling candy bars, Daria is asked to perform on stage opening night to earn the extra credit points. She ends up reciting an anti-communist story she wrote that starts a riot and has the place closed down. When Lawndale’s cybercafe alt.lawndale.com is vandalized Mr. O’Neill tries to use the incident as a catalyst for discussion about the Internet and its role in society. When Daria points out the fact that people in a cybercafe spend all their time staring at a computer screen – a result that decreases human interaction, not enhances it – Mr. O’Neill decides to start Café Lawndale, a coffee house for Lawndale youth to interact and perform. Naturally, he credits Daria for the idea, which is ironic since she doesn’t want anything to do with it (and makes this known to Mr. O’Neill in no uncertain terms). However, Helen and Jake have been pressuring her to take part in extracurricular activities, as a result, Daria is “convinced” to take part in the project when Helen threatens to send her to music camp for the summer. Faced with the choice of fundraising or reading one of her stories at the café, Daria chooses the least painful option and even manages to get Jane to join her. To say that things don’t go well is an understatement, because while Quinn encounters guys that she can charm into buying things, Daria and Jane encounter people like Mrs. Johansen, an overweight hypoglycemic who passes out in front of the two shocked girls. When Dara’s ethnics prevent her from selling chocolate bars to the woman, Ms. Li informs her that she won’t get any credit for fundraising (though she can’t condemn her for her ethics). In order to get the credit, Daria reluctantly decides to do a reading at the café’s opening night. For the occasion, she picks a story with maximum shock: A yarn about secret agent “Melody Powers”, who fights C0ommunnism and equal amounts of brains and bullets. This gets the crowd wound up, particularly after the botched Shakespeare acting by Kevin and Brittany and the morbidly depressing poetry by Andrea and the kids start an anti-Communism rally. Their destructive behavior forces the café to close indefinitely, but that doesn’t bother Daria, who already received the extra credit she needed.

A computer is stolen from “alt.lawndale.com”, the student cybercafe in Lawndale. English teacher Timothy O’Neill mentions this in class for discussion, as a break from Romeo and Juliet. Kevin fails at expressing his feelings on the theft and vandalism… after first denying having anything to do with it. Jodie feels angry about the robbery, though she admits the café serve a limited clientele. Daria mocks the teacher’s statement about being cut off from the “virtual community”, stating sitting in a room staring at a computer screen and not talking to anybody for hours doesn’t constitute a community. Misunderstanding Daria’s comments, O’Neill decides to reopen the establishment as a more traditional coffee house. At Schloss Morgenrdorffer, Daria, Helen and Jake talk about extracurricular activities. Helen insists that Daria do something outside of school, so that Daria can include it in future college applications. She ends up convincing Daria to look for an activity by threatening to send her to Music Camp (an activity Daria detests). Daria argues that colleges care more about whether prospective students can afford tuition (and Jake proves no help to Helen’s argument), but Helen is not to dissuaded. Daria ends up volunteering for the coffee house, choosing to raise funds instead of performing on stage. She convinces Jane to join her by finding a reason she would accept – namely, the chance to see inside houses and make fun of people’s tastes. Other students are also involved in fundraising: Kevin and Brittany try to sell wrapping paper, magazine subscriptions, CD’s/cassettes and flower seeds to Anthony DeMartino, who refuses to buy anything on the general principle that he does not want to underwrite further student indolence. Quinn uses her feminine wiles to convince/manipulate a guy named Danny into buying long-distance phone cards. Daria and Jane sell chocolate bars door-to-door. Their first client is Mrs. Johansen, an obese woman who is short of breath and who faints while talking to them. When Mrs. Johansen insinuates that she is forbidden to eat chocolate by her doctor, Daria refuses to sell her any bars, despite the woman’s pleas to buy their whole supply. Back at school, Principal Li reprimands the two students for not having sold anything and having refused to sell to a willing client, despite Daria’s explanation of Mrs. Johansen’s medical condition. Fortunately for them, the lack of money from the aborted chocolate sale is compensated by the huge success Quinn has in selling phone cards. Unfortunately, Daria still has no credit for the coffee house opening, so she agrees to read at opening night. After considering and passing over several of her old stories, she decides to write a brand new one. The opening night comes and the coffee house (called Café Lawndale) has several performers: A male rock musician sings some lines before destroying his own guitar on stage, Brittany and Kevin attempt to do Romeo and Juliet’s balcony scene, Andrea reads some lines of her poetry. Finally, Daria reads her new story, a spy-thriller presenting the female agent Melody Powers. The originally disinterested audience slowly warms up to Daria’s story and bursts in applause and cheers at its concluding. The following day at breakfast, Jake reads in the newspaper the side effects to the success of Daria’s story: Some Lawndale Lions had formed an anti-Communist rally and had attempted to stone the Russian embassy (despite the lack of one in Lawndale), forcing the closing of the Café Lawndale. Daria calmly notes that she’s already got her extra-curricular credit and they can’t take it away – now she just needs to keep an eye out for the next time her parents try to make her do one… The episode concludes with the robbery of Café Lawndale that night.

✰ EPISODE #5: MALLED – Daria’s business class takes a field trip to the Mall of Millennium which Daria is not looking forward to. However, when Quinn and the Fashion Club ditch school on the same day and go to the mall. Daria makes the most of the trip. Daria’s class takes a field trip to the enormous Mall of the Millennium, much to Daria’s and Jane’s dismay. Meanwhile, Quinn and her friends, the Fashion Club, ditch school to go to the same mall, but get in trouble when they run into Daria there. Quinn has discovered what amounts to the Holy Grail of shopping: The Mall of the Millennium, a super-mall that has every store you can think of (and some that you can’t). Unfortunately for Quinn, it’s over 100 miles away, which is reason enough for Helen and Jake to balk at driving her there (not to mention the fact that she’s done more than enough shopping for the quarter). Daria’s amusement at Quinn not being able to travel to her own personal Mecca is canceled out by cosmic irony, however, as her Economics class makes a field trip to the mall to study supply and demand in action. The trip itself is no picnic – Kevin and Brittany’s antics, Upchuck’s come-on’s and Brittany’s cheap perfume all conspire to make Daria violently carsick – but when they get to the mall and meet with its executives, Jane’s curiosity reveals that the executives are secretly using them as a focus group. In exchange for their silence, the sleazy suits give each student a gift certificate. Daria is ready to refuse to accept it, but gives in when she sees that all of the other students (even Jodie) have :”taken the money and run”. After the meeting, Mrs. Bennett gives the kids their assignments. Among them are Kevin and Brittany’s goal to study shrinkage A.K.A.  shoplifting – which Kevin demonstrates handily by five-fingering a trinket for Brittany and Daria and Jane’s observations of traffic patterns at the food court. Whey they arrive, they find Quinn and the Fashion Club, who skipped school to go to the mall (two offenses by Quinn, who still doesn’t have permission from Helen and Jake). Daria strikes a deal with Quinn in exchange for her silence. Quinn and her friends give them a ride home and Quinn does the chores around the house for a month. Afterwards, Daria and Jane decide to see what their gift certificates will get them. They use Jane’s certificate for the Scizzor Wizzard in a unique way, they drive the employees crazy until they give Jane the cash for the certificate in order to get rid of her. Daria doesn’t fare as well at the Doo-Dad Shop, as she’s unlucky enough to be their 10,000^th customer, entitling her to a ton of free doo-dads (A.K.A. crap). That evening, after dinner, Quinn uncharacteristically clears the table and offers to bring their parents some coffee. That’s when they spring their surprise: They offer to take Quinn and Daria to the Mall of the Millennium. Unsurprisingly, both girls are not enthused.

A new mall has appeared in Lawndale – the Mall of the Millennium (an obvious take on the real life “Mall of America”) to the joy of Quinn, who begs to go to the mall. Helen and Jake, however, are reluctant to allow Quinn to go until she gets her grades up. The next day at school, during Daria’s class in Economics, a misunderstood answer by Daria is used by Mrs. Bennett to organize a school trip to the mall. Daria and Jane object and try unsuccessfully to sneak out of going. The class goes to the mall by bus, where the students engage in several behaviors. Kevin tries to engage everybody in singing “1000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”, until Brittany stops him by making out with him. Upchuck tries to convince female colleagues to serve as swimsuit models, but his plan is quickly seen through by the young women. Daria, meanwhile, becomes nauseous during the trip, possibly due to Brittany’s perfume. When the group arrives at the mall, they board a train, where Daria throws up. The Mall of the Millennium is revealed to be a complex building of many levels and areas. Sometime later, the whole group has a meeting with the mall executives. Suspicious of the questions and the presence of a mirror, Daria proceeds to turn off the lights, revealing several executives behind a two-way mirror, thus confirming that the meeting was a smokescreen to conduct market research. Pressed by Jane and Jodie, the chief executive distributes some gift coupons for several shops inside the mall. The class then regroups in the center of the mall where Mrs. Bennett distributes assignments and organizes pick-up times. After completing their assignment, Daria and Jane end up at the food court, where they run into Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club who have cut classes to shop at the mall .After some negotiating, a furious Quinn buys their silence with a ride home and a promise to do Daria’s chores. Daria and Jane go to use their coupons. Jane’s is for the hair salon Scissor Wizard, where Jane tries unsuccessfully to buy a pair of scissors or have her hair cut in the style of a character from Sick, Sad World. She is eventually reimbursed in cash after being differed a can if mousse as a consolation gift. Daria’s coupon is for Doo-Dad Shop, where she becomes the ten thousandth customer and is presented with several free gifts. A shocked Daria has her picture taken by the store, together with the whole staff smiling. That afternoon Daria, Jane and the Fashion Club are driven home by an unnamed male victim guy (er… I mean escort, or rather servant). Later that evening, Helen and Jake announce that they were planning a movie trip to the new mall (including a stop at Books By the Tori for Daria) which causes noticeably subdued reactions from both of their daughters.

✰ EPISODE #6: THIS YEAR’S MODEL – Modeling scouts come to Lawndale to teach a modeling class and offer a scholarship to one student. Each of the students, except Daria and Jane, become very hopeful that they will be the one student that gets to be a model. Talent scouts from the Amazon Modeling Agency come to Lawndale High to teach a class on modeling, promising a modeling contract to one lucky student. Many of the girls in school are more than eager to get that contract. Daria is not one of those girls. Ms. Li is positively beside herself when she announces that Claude and Romonica, two talent scouts from the Amazon Modeling Agency, are to visit Lawndale High to look for potential models. Daria objects, naturally, pointing out that drawbacks of dropping out of school to pursue a career that’s essentially over at age 25, but is paid no heed by Ms. Li (who’s receiving a “small fee” for the school’s cooperation). She can’t even convince Jodie, who thinks it’s perfectly fine since it’s voluntary and there’s no way she’ll convince Brittany, who believes that her dream is about to be fulfilled. When Claude and Romonica arrive, they take an interest in Brittany (and her, ah “assets”) but immediately lock onto Jane and Daria. Jane immediately alienates them with a nasty caricature and Daria blows them off with her usual sarcasm. Helen and Jake share Daria’s concerns, a position that’s put sorely to the test when Quinn announces that she’s been accepted into the class. Against her better judgment and with a little coaxing by phone from Romonica, Helen allows Quinn to attend the open class, but that’s it… then she’s astonished when Daria easily agrees to keep an eye on her (which of course, is for her own purposes, she senses “the total humiliation of Quinn” to be eminent). At the class, Claude and Romonica instruct the girls and the guys in rudimentary modeling moves, while Daria and Jane console a devastated Brittany (who wasn’t accepted into the class). Things swiftly spiral out of control, however, when the girls are instructed to start rubbing the guys’ chests, an action that Quinn refuses to take part in. When Ms. Li wanders into the auditorium to check up on things, she immediately shuts down the class as soon as she sees what is happening. The next day, Ms. Li gathers the students into the auditorium to announce the winner of the modeling contract. As she’s about to announce the winner, a group of mercenaries marches into the auditorium and the group’s leader, “General” Bud Conroy, starts his recruitment speech. When Ms. Li objects, Conroy explains that she was the one who invited him… and the news media. Ms. Li is humiliated – thanks to Daria, who was actually the one that called Conroy and the media – and Quinn is devastated when she discovers that Kevin, of all people, has won the modeling contract.

At Lawndale High, Principal Angela Li interrupts English class to enthusiastically announce the visit of representatives from the Amazon Modeling Agency who are searching for potential models among the students. As modeling is a shallow profession based on youth and looks, both Daria and Jane protest – and at the same time hint of the possible money the school is being offered for the visit. Jodie argues with Daria and Jane, saying that the two don’t have to be against everything. As Mrs. Bennett explains the marketing aspects of the fashion industry, Amazon representatives Claude and Romonica DeGregory appear during Economics class and give Mrs. Bennett fashion advice. Their goal is to convince students to sign up for a complementary modeling class. Brittany agrees right away, but they are less successful with Daria and Jane. During dinner at the Morgendorffers a very upset Daria relates the day’s events to her parents, stressing the dishonesty of the whole situation. Both Helen and Jake agree with her. When Quinn enthusiastically announces that she has been chosen for the modeling class both parents try to dissuade her, stating that modeling is not a good choice for a profession and only a timely call from Romonica convinces Helen to let Quinn attend the free modeling class. As Quinn leaves the kitchen, Helen asks (and eventually bribes) Daria to keep an eye on her sister. The modeling class is held at the school auditorium and includes the four Fashion Club members and a red-haired, slightly plump girl (whom Romonica calls a “decoy”).  Romonica and Claude first coach the female students on how they must walk and what attitudes they should project. They then invite Kevin and the Three J’s to help out, asking them to remove their shirts and have the girls rub their chests. Quinn is clearly ill at ease and excuses herself (claiming that she needs to visit the bathroom) but the other girls oblige. Brittany, watching from the audience with Jane, Daria and Trent, has a crying fit watching Kevin on stage and is miserable for not having been chosen to attend the class. However, when Ms. Li enters and views the salacious scene taking place she immediately stops it and ends the class. Later that night, the Morgendorffers discuss the day’s events, with Quinn enthusiastically thinking she’ll be chosen for the modeling contract despite her parents’ warnings that they hadn’t agreed on further participation and that she might not win – a thought inconceivable to Quinn. At an auditorium assembly Ms. Li is preparing to announce the winner for the modeling contract (after warning the students that modeling has nothing to do with sex, to the amusement of some of those present). She is unexpectedly interrupted by the arrival of General Buck Conroy, mercenary and editor of Brutal Mercenary Magazine – Conroy is also looking for potential recruits. He answers a surprised Mrs. Li that it had been her idea to contact him, showing her an invitation with her name. A television news crew shows up and states that although Li denied inviting Conroy to the school, she allowed a modeling school to solicit students on school property. That night the Morgendorffers family learns that Kevin, of all people, has received the modeling contract. Later, Daria is shown in her room retrieving the issue of Brutal Mercenary Magazine from her backpack (implying that she was the one who mailed Conroy) before tearing it up. In the final scene, Kevin is shown during a photo session in the modeling agency, clearly havi✰ EPISODE #7: THE LAB BRAT – The episode opens in Ms. Barch’s class. While talking about positive and negative reinforcement, she gets off on a tangent about her no- good husband just leaving her after twenty years with no note while slamming her pointer around during the rant. She calls on students to give examples of positive reinforcement. She calls on Kevin, but of course, he doesn’t know, so she calls on Daria whose answer, just like usual is great. And I quote: “Hmm… to make a child stop crying, a mother might say “That’s it! I’m sending you to El Paso to live with your real father.” Whenever the child gets upset, the mother might wave an airline ticket in her face, or maybe even frame it on the wall by the clown picture. The ticket stops the girl from crying or showing any emotion… ever. Despite Ms. Barch’s talking she continues to say and I quote: “Years later, seeing an airplane or just hearing one fly overhead can unleash a Pandora’s Box of repressed anger, shattering the grown child’s fragile psyche and triggering a psychotic and possibly deadly episode.” That’s just great. Ms. Barch says she likes how Daria thinks then pairs up the students for experiments involving the conditions of a mouse. Kevin and Brittany naturally expect to wind up as partners but this time they aren’t. Daria gets partnered with Kevin, while Brittany winds up with Upchuck. Cut to the Morgendorffer house. Helen, Quinn and Daria are sitting in the living room watching Sick, Sad World. Helen tries to talk to Daria about the science project and Kevin being her partner but in Daria’s usual fashion she tells her mother she signed a confidentiality paper and the other scientists would be mad if she talked about it. So instead, Helen asks Quinn how her day was and in turn, Quinn launches into a story about heels breaking and only two guys asking her out. Helen pleads Daria to tell her about the project. Daria gives in and tells her about the project. After hearing about the project, Kevin being Daria’s partner and Helen telling Daria that this opportunity could propel her up a few rungs on the school’s social ladder. Quinn schemes to nab Kevin for herself when Kevin arrives, ready to work on the project. Daria puts her own plan in motion and distracts him with the Pigskin Channel. Quinn then attaches herself to Kevin and Daria leaves to work on the project. Cut to Upchuck’s house: Brittany, dressed in a long overcoat, wide hat and sunglasses, looks over her shoulder before joining Upchuck in the garage. He greets her as Brittany pulls down the shades. Upchuck, like Daria and Quinn, too has a plan. He tells her to start sawing and then reveals to her that he has a picture of Brittany and half-naked Sam Stack, the Q.B. of Lawndale’s rival Oakwood, making out in the back of a car. She tries to grab it from Upchuck but can’t. He tells her he’ll start sawing and to get him a soda with two ice cubes. He laughs as she walks into his house and calls her his slave for a week. Cut to the garage. While Daria is working on the maze, Kevin walks in. Daria immediately thinks that he’s lost and she’s right but the maze that Daria just finished distracts Kevin. He says it must have taken forever then breaks off part of the maze. She tells him to back away from the maze and nobody will get hurt. Kevin spots the mouse and asks Daria if he can stand on his head. Daria replies that he can’t now, he’s tired from jumping rope. Quinn enters the garage carrying a cake but Kevin tells her to leave it by the TV. As Quinn leaves, Brittany walks in. Kevin tells her that he’s been working the entire time but Brittany doesn’t believe him. Daria tells her to calm down and have a piece of chocolate cake that Quinn made for Kevin. She calls Daria and Quinn vixens and pulls on Kevin’s arm, telling him to leave with her. Off screen, Upchuck calls Brittany in a singsong tone and reluctantly she leaves but not before telling Daria she knows how to fight for her man. Cut to Pizza King. Daria and Jane are sitting at their usual table talking about the project. Kevin comes over and tells her that he’ll stop by the garage later tonight. The three J’s overhear this and decided to find out why Kevin is spending time with a brain. Brittany and Jodie approach Kevin and Daria. Brittany tells Kevin to take her to the new Whitney Houston movie. He tells her that he has to work on the science project, but Daria tells him he can have the night off. He uses practice as an excuse and runs off. The three J’s approach and after completely ignoring Brittany, each one asks Daria out. Brittany leaves disgusted and Quinn comes over to the three J’s. She asks which one of the three J’s was going to take her home. All three follow and offer their services to Quinn. Cut to Upchuck’s house. Brittany walks into the garage with a bag of groceries. She tells him she shined his spoon collection, filed his magazines and finished his shopping. He looks in the bag and sees that she bought the wrong kind of honey. After threatening “Back-seat Brittany” she leaves to get the right honey. After getting the honey, Brittany makes a stop at the Morgendorffer’s to sabotage Daria’s project by stealing Daria’s mouse. She gives the mouse to her little brother and tells him not to let it out of his sight. He peers into the box and chuckles evilly. Daria comes home to find that the mouse is missing with a bear shaped honey jar in its place. Daria goes to Kevin’s to tell him the bad news. Of course he’s happy at the news thinking that it was something worse like Daria’s cable was out or the game got canceled. At the Morgendorffer’s, Quinn keeps flirting with Kevin but despite a really short skirt, he doesn’t even notice. Daria finds out from Quinn that Brittany brought over the bear for Kevin. At school, Daria backs Brittany into a corner by telling her that without the mouse, her and Kevin will have to work on a makeup project

✰ EPISODE #8: Pinch Sitter – Quinn gets Daria to baby sit for her. Daria, who has no interest in being an authority figure since she doesn’t respect authority, is stuck with two well-behaved “PC” kids who say things like “We don’t like commercials – they lie,” With Jane’s help, she manages to warp their minds in one night. Quinn asks Daria to take over her babysitting gig for a night so she could go on a date. Daria agrees seeming as the alternative would be family therapy night. She ends up babysitting the Guphy kids, who have been brainwashed by their parents into being perfect little angels. Eventually, jane (who has some babysitting experience) comes over and she and Daria de-brainwash the kids by telling them to think for themselves. Daria later uses this experience for a paper she’s writing. Ms. DeMartino’s history class is studying the effects of cults on human behavior, with term papers on the subject due by the end of the week. Daria has bigger problems than that, though, as Quinn is pestering her to take over her Saturday babysitting job (she booked a date for the night without realizing it). Daria is prepared to refuse, until Helen reminds them of the couples workshop being held at their house that night, the decision is easy after that. Quinn, meanwhile, lets it slip that she blew off her babysitting job to go on a date, causing Hellen to book an appointment with for her with Helen’s time management consultant. Quinn is reluctant at first, but dives into the concept head first when she sees the fashionable teen life planners that are available. When Saturday night rolls around, Daria and Quinn head off for their perspective appointments. Quinn with her date to Chez Pierre and Daria to the Guphy’s to babysit. Arriving at the Guphys, Daria discovers that they’re a family that’s so sweet it’s sickening, with the children even more so. They don’t watch television (it rots your brain), they don’t et junk food (it rots your teeth) and they don’t question authority (it rots your obedience). After several hours of this, Daria can stand it no longer and calls Jane to bail her out. When Jane finally arrives, she and Daria get to work on “deprogramming” the kids. Thanks to some straight talk, classic fairy tales (told as only Daria and Jane can) and a disabled parental lockout on the cable box, both kids start on the road to independent thought. Meanwhile, Quinn’s date with Skyler seems to be going well – he’s scoring high on her “date rating system” – but falls apart at the end of the night when Skyler finds out that she was only dating him because his parents own a boat (she planned on dumping him come wintertime for his best friend, whose parents own a ski house). And at school, Daria gets an “A” on her history paper. “A Real-Life Experiment in Mind Control Deprogramming, My Night at the Guphys.:

✰ EPISODE #9: Too Cute – Quinn decides she needs cosmetic surgery and drags Daria to the doctor with her. She is happy to consult with Quinn, but very interested in Daria, whom she views as a long-term project and potential masterpiece. Brooke, a Fashion Club hopeful, gets a nose job and Quinn is deemed shallow for saying the new nose is merely “cute”. The other Fashion Club members subsequently also get nose jobs and so Quinn goes to get one too, but the doctor plays on Quinn’s insecurities and talks her into getting about $6000 worth of surgery. Quinn doesn’t have that kind of money and becomes more determined to get it after Brooke has further surgery done and looks gorgeous. It’s up to Daria to convince her she’s perfect and doesn’t need to change a thing. When Ms. Barch uses Kevin as an “experiment:” to determine how a person’s looks affects the behavior of others, Quinn is faced with the challenge in a different way, as Fashion Club hopeful Brooke shows up at school with a brand-new nose job. Everyone else “oohs” and “ahhs” about it, but Quinn’s reaction while positive, is not quite as enthusiastic. Sandi, ever ready to jump on a moment of weakness, accuses Quinn of being shallow and manages to psyche Quinn out and convince her that’s she’s “less than perfect.” Helen and Jake flat-out refuses to let Quinn get plastic surgery to correct her perceived flaws, forcing her to take matters into her own hands. She fakes being sick in order to cut school for a clandestine visit to Dr. Shar, the ethically questionable plastic surgeon that treated Brooke, but she’s too nervous to go by herself. Enter Daria, who will be “taking Quinn home” or so Quinn tells Ms. Li anyway, In reality, Quinn wants Daria along because she’s honest and she probably knows Quinn better than anyone else. When they arrive at Dr. Shar’s office, Quinn’s insecurities are played like a violin by the doctor, who tells her that a mere $6,000 will allow her to achieve the perfection she craves. She also tries to win Daria over, but Daria remains stubbornly skeptical of Dr. Shar’s “Frankenstein approach” to beauty. Quinn, however, becomes even more convinced when she sees Brooke, who now sports supermodel lips and hips and starts taking up a collection to raise the money (an idea she got form the ever-sarcastic Jane). Predictably, the fundraising doesn’t work, but Quinn is still determined to find a way, even after Daria swallows her pride and tells Quinn that she’s perfect just the way she is. What finally convinces her to drop the whole idea is, ironically Brooke, who suffers a “nasal relapse” and is now even less cute than she was before all this started. And Kevin finishes his experiment by employing a time-honored method of getting people to talk to him while he’s wearing his “ugly face” he gives them money.

✰ EPISODE #10: The Big House – The annual teachers-verses-deejays roller hockey game is coming and there is a good chance that the students will get to see Mr. DeMartino die of an aneurysm during the game – but Daria is going to miss it because she is grounded by her parents. Helen and Jake set up ground rules for Daria and Quinn after both come home late. When Quinn breaks the rules, the girls are tried in “Family Court” and grounded for a month. The annual teachers-vs-deejays roller-hockey game is coming and chances are good that the students will see Mr. Demartino die of an aneurysm during the game, but Daria’s grounding might keep her from it, unless she can prove to her parents that she’s too dull to ground. After Daria and Quinn both come home past curfew. Helen and Jake begin Family Court, a mock trial that ends with the two girls being sentenced to a month’s grounding. The parents later regret their decision after Daria uses this as an opportunity to drive them insane. When Daria and Quinn come home late, Helen comes up with a set of ground rules, which includes, a strict curfew. Incensed by what she sees as a cruel restriction to her social life, Quinn schemes to break the “no dating on a school night” rule, by convincing Helen and Jake that she’ll be attending a study group. Her story falls apart the next morning however, but rather than just mete out a punishment, Helene takes a cue from her profession and holds Family Court to decide the girls’ punishments. Despite her claims of wanting to hold a fair hearing, Helen and Jake essentially railroad the girls into a month-long grounding. As payback for what she considers an unjust punishment, Daria takes her revenge by beating Helen and Jake at board games and driving them crazy with loud and obnoxious harmonica playing. Quinn, however, is really in hell, as she’s prevented from talking on the phone or essentially doing anything. Finally, Daria is unable to stand it and plans to “bust out” so she and Jane can go to the high school’s “DJs Versus Faculty” roller hockey game (most of the students have bets on how soon Mr. DeMartino – who plans to get his revenge on one of the DJs for humiliating him in a previous game – will collapse from a heart attack). Her elaborate plan to sneak out is rendered moot by the fact that both Helen and Jake have to work late, so she simply walks out the front door. The game itself is pretty much a bust until “Rock & Roll” Randy takes out Mr. DeMartino with a cheap shot to the knee, which earns him a butt-kicking by the man-hating Ms. Barch. When Daria comes home, she’s confronted by a monumentally angry Helen, but before she can be punished further, she works out a plea bargain with Helen by reminding her of board games and harmonica playing. Upon learning that Daria got off on “parole” Quinn convinces Helen and Jake to do the same with her, essentially making the whole Family Court experiment a failure.

✰ EPISODE #11: Road Worrier – Daria and Jane hitch a ride to the “Alternapalooza” festival with Jane’s brother Trent (Daria’s heartthrob) and his friend Jesse. Their van doesn’t work so well, but it’s an interesting trip. Daria and Jane hitch a ride to the Alternapalooza Festival with Jane’s brother Trent (on whom Daria harbors a definite crush), with Jane paying for the van’s gas. The Fashion Club and other Lawndale students try to go to Alternapalooza as well… emphasis on “try.” Daria and Jane head off to Altermapalooza with Jane’s brother Trent and his friend Jesse. Daria finds this to be an awkward experience due to her strong attraction to Trent. The Fashion Club, meanwhile, dresses “alternative” and heads off to the festival, but on the way, they decide to go outlet shopping instead. Back home, Helen and Jake use their kids’ absence as a chance to “spice up their marriage.” At the Lane house, Daria is watching television while Jane creates a sculpture out of a mannequin and various bits and pieces of scrap. When a loud guitar chord resonates through the house and causes the sculpture to shatter, Jane drags Daria downstairs to investigate. There, they find Trent and Jesse in mid-rehearsal and as Jane complains about the noise, Daria finds herself uncharacteristically flustered around Trent. In an attempt to fix her brother up with her best friend, Jane volunteers gas money if Trent and Jesse will take them to the upcoming Alternapalooza concert. Daria reluctantly agrees to come along (after silently vowing revenge on Jane) and is amused to find that she’s not the only Morgendorffer that will be in attendance. Quinn and the rest of the Fashion Club are going, too. Daria assures Quinn that they’ll easily be able to avoid each other in a crowd of 10,000 people before she and Jane are picked up by Trent and Jesse in their drummer’s van, “the Tank”, and Quinn is picked up by her friends. During the trip Daria is increasingly humiliated when she bumps her head, gets stung by a bee, sits on ancient peanut butter sandwich, breaks her glasses and becomes an unwanted focus of attention when she has to take a woodside bathroom break during a traffic jam… and all in front of Trent. On the flipside, however, she starts to loosen up a little when Trent and Jesse actually laugh at her sarcastic comments. The van ends up breaking down about halfway to the concert and while Jane and Jesse go look for help (a barely hidden ploy to get Trent and Daria alone), Daria sits with the object of her crush and gets to know him a little better and even helps him overcome a “crisis of faith” of sorts by encouraging him to follow his musical dream. Jane and Jesse return empty-handed from their little sojourn, leading Jane to resort to fixing the van with her glue gun… just as the Alternapslooza concert comes to an end. They aren’t the only ones who never made it to the concert, however, as Quinn and her friends got sidetracked by an outlet shopping mall. Returning home, Daria and Quinn find Helen and Jake in a very relaxed mood, having taken full advantage of the girls’ absence.ng no idea what to do.

✰ EPISODE #13: THE TEACHINGS OF DON JAKE – Jake and Helen take the kids on a camping trip, which doesn’t go well after Jake starts obsessing over his rocky relationship with his late father. Then it goes straight to hell when Jake, Helen and Quinn eat psychotropic berries and go insane. Meanwhile, Jane and Trent attend their dysfunctional family reunion. Daria and Jane are about to be reminded of how much a pa in the ass families can be, much to their chagrin. When Jake bursts a blood vessel in his eye after stressing out over the family finances, Helen announces that the Morgendorffers will be taking a weekend camping trip. Daria is pretty sullen about it, until she hears about the “fun” Jane and Trent will be having at the annual Lane Family Reunion, suffice it to say that camping turns out to be the more appealing option (especially since having a root canal sans Novocaine wasn’t one of the choices). Not unexpectedly, the camping doesn’t exactly start out with a bang, as Jake’s enthusiasm and planned itinerary goes over like a lead balloon with two unenthusiastic daughters. Jane and Trent don’t fare much better, after they inadvertently insult their Aunt Bernice on the plane, get left behind by the same Aunt and are treated rudely by the rest of the family when they finally arrive at the reunion (the Aunt who owns the house is snotty and condescending, Uncle Max acts like a drunken fool and Grandma screams insults in Jane’s ear). Morning provides no relief, as Jane and Trent are awoken 7:00am for the family croquet tournament and the Morgendorffers set out for a nature hike after a Jake-prepared breakfast. Unfortunately, Jake’s nature skills prove to be somewhat lacking when he, Helen and Quinn start hallucinating, thanks to their breakfast of psychotropic berries. Fortunately, Daria had not eaten any of the berries (due to the distrust of Jake’s nature skills) and used Helen’s cell phone (which she brought despite her earlier claim of wanting to get “totally back to nature”) to call for a rescue helicopter. Back at home, Daria relays the tale to Jane, who (along with Trent) had flown the coop and returned early because they couldn’t stand it at the reunion for one second longer. And to put a cap on the whole experience, Jake gets a $15,000 bill for the helicopter rescue… and promptly bursts blood vessels in both eyes.

✰ EPISODE #14: THE MISERY CHICK – Tommy Sherman, former Lawndale High football star, visits the school when a goalpost sis named after him. He turns out to be a complete jerk that insults or propositions everyone he meets, particularly Daria, whom he calls a “misery chick”.  Daria and Jane crack a few jokes about wishing he were dead and seconds later he is killed when the goalpost falls on him. Suddenly everyone comes to Daria for advice on dealing with the traumatic incident, because they all think she’s obsessed with death and Jane starts avoiding her because she feels responsible. Lawndale High is being honored by a visit from Tommy Sherman, who’s being honored for his football prowess by the dedication of a new goalpost in his name. Kevin, naturally, is deep in the throes of hero worship, but Daria and Jane are less than impressed, particularly when Jane explains why they’re naming a goalpost after him (seems that he insisted on running the touchdowns himself, but he got so wrapped up in waving to the crowd that he’d hit the goalpost). When Tommy arrives, he actually manages to lower Daria’s opinion of him by proving himself to be an egotistical and misogynistic jerk. After hitting on Brittany and insulting Kevin and Mack, Daria can stand it no longer and tells the guy off, and in turn, Tommy accuses Daria of being one of those “misery chicks” that’s always depressed and everything. Daria blows his comments off but is still angry that the jerk is going to be treated like a hero for the rest of his life. Jane jokes that maybe he won’t actually live that long… words that become prophetic when the new goalpost falls on him and kills him. Not unexpectedly, this event sends the whole school into mourning, but what Daria doesn’t expect is the attention she’s suddenly receiving, as first Kevin, then Brittany, then Mr. O’Neill and finally Quinn comes to her for advice on dealing with this tragedy, because after all, she’s the “misery chick.” What’s even stranger, though, is that Jane id doing everything she can to avoid talking to Daria, thereby depriving her of an outlet for her frustrations about the reputation she’s been given. Daria finally goes over to Jane’s house to ask her what’s going on and after a somewhat reassuring talk with Trent, she corners Jane in her bedroom and demands an explanation. Jane admits that she was disturbed about how her little joke came true, which is making her feel somewhat responsible for his death. Daria then vents about how people assume that she’s miserable all the time, when the truth is that she’s just not like them. She “makes people think”, Jane tells her, which is why Jane didn’t want to talk to her. She didn’t want to think about it After talking things out, they’re able to agree on three things: Jane wasn’t responsible, Daria isn’t a “misery chick” and Tommy Sherman was a major-league jerk (but he still shouldn’t have died). Unfortunately, Daria can’t shake her reputation that easily, as she finds out when Sandi asks her for advice on dealing with her depression over her cat eating her makeup and getting sick. Daria decides that if she can’t shake her reputation, she should profit from it and charges Sandi $10 for some useless advice. Afterwards, Daria feels bad about making $10 off of Sandi’s suffering… because she should have charged her $20.